Apple for Teacher

The same close friend, who debuted in my ‘Wicked Witch of the West’ article, has now clocked up an entire month at her new work establishment. Congratulations!! (you know who you are). She is now no longer considered a ‘newbie’ after having been processed by the Witch. I joke that she gets less stick due to the fact that the month-long brainwashing procedure has turned her into a Prof X Mini-Me (aka Witch’s Pretty), a statement which was swiftly followed by a Medusa-like death stare.

Tendrils under an electron microscope

Apparently, if you want to fit in at the institution you have to be good at ass-crawling – something which I’m not a great fan of, especially considering Prof X is well into her 60s and her ‘wipe-clean’ technique might not be completely effective. Yuk! That thought was little on the gross side, so I’m slapping a PG-13 rating on it just to be safe. There are hordes of such people in life and you shouldn’t have to clutch at anal tendrils in order to get ahead.

Probably the biggest crawler in the workplace is a co-worker by the name of Shizzle My Grizzle. I can’t even go as far as to disclose the worker’s surname (or nickname) as her identity would become too obvious and land my life in dire straits. Shizzle has been practicing crawling for the best part of 30 years – she is a pro in this respect….she be creeping you. Prof X frequently finds an apple on her desk in the mornings, handpicked from Shizzle’s orchard or the Prime Produce’ isle at Fruit and Veg City. Although she agrees with everything that comes out of the Prof’s mouth, including drool, the Prof has grown tired of Shizzle’s wily ways and will usually dismiss her like a piece of dandruff off her shoulder-padded blouse.

Shizzle likes to exert her authority over the rest of the Pretties when Prof X is not in town, i.e. when the Prof has disappeared for a mid-afternoon nap or a well deserved perd. Shizzle knows best…although not always it seems. She will cover up mistakes and deny all accountability in situations where a co-worker is available to take the fall, thus protecting her metaphorical halo and preventing the brown sticky stuff from sticking to her spineless person.

Good news is on the way though. The Mini-Me’s are launching a comeback attack on the Shizzle and nowadays her halo is looking slightly skewed and her clothes soiled. I’m not one to judge, but some say nothing is as good as the taste of your own medicine and the smell of sweet revenge.

Maverick Pays Rent-a-Crowd for Support Demonstrations

I’m beginning to think that Julie-ass Maverick Malema enjoys being in the media spotlight; so much so that he might have to start applying sunscreen to his slaphead so that it doesn’t peel. He even made the front page of the BBC News Website’s Africa section today. This is quite an achievement in my mind considering that the guy is only 30! He does however look much older, but this could simply be down to a bad choice in face cream and lack of R & R.

If Julie-ass spent as much time on his looks as he did spouting his highly opinionated twaddle, he might shave years off his perceived age. I’m currently filling out an online entry form on his behalf to appear on the TV show ’10 years younger’ when it airs in South Africa, however this should not be seen as a favour in any regard. I just want him to look his best in front of all the judges that he’ll be facing. His wardrobe and makeup artist should also outfit him with a nice weave and reputable matt foundation as his shiny features reflect terribly in all his interviews and head shots. Continue reading

“BO” the Classic Fragrance from Sweaty Betty

Having lived and worked in London, I have frequently been exposed to the ‘joys’ of the business commute. This is especially momentous during summer months when rush-hour masses are packed into claustrophobic, non air-conditioned tube train and whisked to their respective destinations. There is always one soap dodger who inevitably ends up in your train car and then decides that he would like everyone to know that HE (and it was usually always a male) was the one who neglected to take a shower that particular morning. I’m sure that these people purposefully stand with their arms raised to grip a handhold next to an open window, at just the right angle so that the draft dissipates the horrors within their armpit(s) throughout the entire shared air bubble.

Continue reading

Master Oogway and the Man Who Carries a Fork

“When you vote for the ANC, you are also choosing to go to heaven. When you don’t vote for the ANC you should know that you are choosing that man who carries a fork… who cooks people”.

President Jacob Zuma

No one can argue that the current South African president and leader of the leftwing African National Congress Party (ANC) hasn’t got a sense of humour after reading the above statement (made during the run-up to the 2011 municipal elections). Personally I think that it’s important for any progressive president to have a developed comic stance on life and love (more on the love later) in order to make it through a normal working week; especially when you have such a serious day job! Take George Bush for instance – an astute man, focussed on making the world a better place. He had a host of ‘Bushisms’ which he could throw into a speech at a moment’s notice to keep his audiences entertained whilst going about the serious business of running America. Who else could inject humour into otherwise sobering and serious statements such as the one which he made at the signing of a multi-billion dollar defence spending bill?

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”

America wouldn’t be the superpower it is today without his outstanding efforts whilst in office (ahem). It is pretty obvious that Zuma ‘wants in’ when it comes to filling the political comedienne and model presidential role left by America’s former leader. Continue reading

The Wicked Witch of the West

A close friend recently started a new job in West Pretoria at an institution that shall for the purposes of this post remain nameless. The lady in charge of running said institution, let’s refer to her Professor X comes across in conversation as a bit of a witch, with a military-style grasp on the day-to-day operations.

The first encounter with Prof X was relayed to me when after my friend’s second day at work, and bearing in mind that the lady is a bit of a dinosaur when it comes to her age and way of thinking, the stuff she comes out with is a little strange.

For instance, Prof X felt sorry for my friend as she was married, but made it clear that she herself wasn’t a lesbian…just a ‘man hater’ (her words, not mine). So now she has established herself as a bit of an opinionated feminist witch and someone who was obviously hurt by a previous run-in with a man (either this, or she has daddy issues). Continue reading