Trick or Treat?!

I’ve never fully understood the merriment that is Halloween, apart from being the one day in a year when guys can legitimately wear eye-liner and walk down the street with speedos outside of their pants, demanding sweets (without being committed/arrested); and where a certain z-list celebrity female is papped wearing a mermaid’s get-up in public. My American friends on the other side of the pond however go Gangnam for this holiday.

Halloween used to be the one night in a year when I’d purposely ensure that I was AWOL from the house, or bunkered-in watching a movie in the dark, to avoid the need to re-oil the hinges on the front door and/or replace the batteries of my door chime in the aftermath. Needless to say, this makes me sound like Ebenezer Scrooge, but bar humbug, the truth will set me free!

Halloween in South Africa passed without the faintest whiff of a trick-or-treater. No terrified screams from adolescent zombie-lookalikes to accompany the triggering of an arsenal of booby-traps I had rigged up along the length of my driveway. It was all rather disappointing.

Jokes aside, the concept of ‘trick or treating’ in South Africa would not fly. If a stranger were to turn up on a South African’s doorstep wearing a Scream mask and wielding a plastic blade, they would either be wasted by a 9mm on site, or become a human-sized dog-chew. There is also the scenario where a trick-or-treater, partaking in a ‘one-of-a-kind-police-supervised-trick-or-treating-session-along-a-select-street-in-Jo’burg-where-all-the-homeowners-are-paid-actors’, is mugged for the stash of goodies in his plastic jack-o’-lantern. Chortle if you will – this would inevitably happen.

Taking Back Tomorrow

Vehicle hijacking is a popular pastime amongst the delinquent social class of South African society. Come to think about it; what else would an unemployed, fit and healthy individual with time to spare do on an otherwise uneventful day? The legal options are very limited indeed.

A recent census amongst primary school truants revealed that 86.7% of such individuals (remembering that 90% of all statistical data is utter codswallop) craved employment in an organised carjacking syndicate. One of the prerequisites of such a ‘job’ is that an individual must apply only after flunking their first term of high school and should not be able to do their 2 Times Table. Credit must be given where credit is due however; successful candidates are offered a sure-fire way of securing a lucrative salary and even spoiling themselves by occasionally driving the car of their dreams, i.e. one with an engine and four wheels. Bonus points are up for grabs in the syndicate’s ‘high-roller’ league table if the stolen car happens to sport either a Toyota or VW badge. Continue reading